Episode 204: "Hook-Up"
Should've been called: Cookie Monster. Or, Et Tu, Brute?
"I am Caesar!" - Vinny, at the club
There are non sequiturs. Then there are these words from Vinny, which on the surface might seem a touch out of place this week. But I'd argue it was the perfect thing to say on a night when Sammi got stabbed in the back. Again. From all sides.
By Ronnie, of course, who finds it impossible to make a clean break.
And, through their continued silence, by her other housemates.
And, for good measure, herself, by refusing to let the end happen. Quick question: Can you curse Judas if she's staring right back at you in the mirror? Young love's a pain in the ass...
Or, if you're inclined to believe Ronnie, it's like a dead horse. Only the horse isn't dead. We're meant to think it's dead. But it's not dead. Or is it? Almost dead, but then back to life, like some miracle horse with phoenix-like powers of rebirth. Wait, I know: A horse is a horse, of cours- no-no-no, can't be it. Horse is definitely dead. Dead horse ... that has a pulse! Disturbing, and terribly confusing, yet fitting in an episode that was almost entirely Sam and Ron centric, like a Rose and Bernard episode of "Lost" minus the stable relationship, honest communication and the dog. Just a horse. Which may or may not be dead.
Nor did this week's episode have any of that dense mythology to keep you puzzlingly glued to your seat. Wait, sorry, totally grooving on next week's release of "Lost's" last season on DVD. ... Where were we? Oh, yes, "Jersey Shore" mythology. What mythology, you ask? Why, the fact that no family dinner can be staged without someone sabotaging the food, for one. Tonight's klutz? Mike, who dumps pasta sauce everywhere as he's preparing a meal for the house to share. ("Situation hostile right now. ...": Mike cursing himself or commenting on Sam and Ron? Discuss amongst yourselves.) Naturally, after saying for the umpteenth time that she's through with Ron, Sammi arrives at said dinner and ... sits next to Ron. Did the other roommates put her up to that? If so, that's just cruel. But I don't think they did. I think she's just unlucky enough to be going through a messy, prolonged breakup in front of a national audience that apparently can't get enough of it.
(I am not one of those. Give me Snooki on the prowl. Or Mike scheming. Or Jenni threatening to beat the crap out of somebody - anybody - any day.)
What other mythology, you ask? Try b) the game of questions they all played after dinner, when the guys hung out and the girls decided to ... tart it up by slipping squeezing vacuum-seal themselves into lingerie - fun fact! Jenni likes pink! -- only Angelina shows up in what Vinny can only, accurately, by the way, describe as a trash bag. (See season one, episode one) See? The "Shore" is dense, people. Or, if you'd prefer, dense people.
And exhibit A of that would be Sammi. This is starting to get painful, and not in a so-painful-I-can't-stop-watching sort of way. I mean painful in an Oh. My. God. Someone please tell her the sky is, in fact, blue sort of way. Normally, you'd expect, oh, I don't know, her friends to do it. But while Snooki and Jenni are extremely adept at acknowledging how screwed up things will be when Sammi finds out, they are completely gun shy when it comes to telling their so-called friend what has been happening. Instead, they decide to go all Spy v. Spy and type up an anonymous note explaining the sitch to her, then dropping it in her dresser drawer. No one will ever trace that back to them. And if they do, all they have to do is blame Angelina. Which, come to think of it, is pretty ingenious.
There was one other thing that happened this week, of course. The little matter of Emilio, Snooki's boyfriend back home, getting his drunk hook up on. "I (expletive) this girl tonight. I'm sorry," he said through the phone. At least - paying attention, Ronnie? - he's honest.
"Let me explain something to you," Jenni says to him after Snooki hangs up on Emilio and he calls back. "Because we have about 20 (expletive) 6 foot 4 guys outside our door. So, while you're (expletive) those nasty bitches out there, I'm sure Nicole's going to get it in down here, awight? So, at the end of the day you're just a loser as it is, and you're a drunk skunk with no job, so get it through your head alright?!"
Click. She hangs up. And as the episode continues, I start to wonder what's keeping her from uncorking like this on Ron? To preserve peace in the house? Because he's her friend? She was ready to slap Angelina into next week not too long ago. Heck, she did knock Mike around last season. Jenni is not a shy girl... And yet, when Ronnie asks her and Snooki point blank if Ronnie's fooling with her, they make like English is a foreign language, all vacant stares and gosh, I dunno, I didn't really see anything...
OK girls, we get it. It's awkward. It's also about time to take sides. But passing notes? Didn't you hear you always get in trouble for that.
More and more, watching "Jersey Shore" is turning into "Groundhog Day," where every episode is an endless loop of fight-makeup-watch it all go down-do nothing. Rinse and repeat. And no one - NO ONE - is learning a damn thing from it at all.
Last week, I referred to Sammi as Charlie Brown always looking to kick the football that is Ronnie's love only to have it pulled away at the last possible second. I'm pretty sure I was wrong. No, we, the audience are Charlie Brown after yet another hour of will-they-won't-they between "Jersey Shore's" answer to Elizabeth Taylor-Richard Burton (or Billy Martin-George Steinbrenner, or Lindsay Lohan-the justice system, if you wish).
But if I was right the first time? Well, it's just getting sad. Because Sammi knows it. How do we know? Because we saw it, after Ron embraced her following the bowl of questions, during which Angelina asked this question: "Have you ever cheated on your boyfriend or girlfriend."
(The room goes all jv for a second with a prolonged oooooooohhhhhhhhh)
Ronnie: No. Well, yeah.
(Cue shot of Jenni, smirking naughtily.)
Ronnie: Everyone's cheated before.
You'd think that would do it, once and for all spread napalm on the Sam-Ron thing for good. And yet there they are, cuddling. Rather, Ron has thrown herself across Sam's body, and she's just staring out into space with dead eyes. What's going through her mind? Probably something along the lines of "Why are there so many frickin' cameras around?"
I'm hoping - I'm really, really hoping - next week's discovery of Jenni and Snooki's letter is enough to grind this crazy train to a halt. But I'm afraid it's just another stop on the Screw With Sammi Tour 2010.
Quote it... lots to choose from this week, so we'll dole out a few here, a few more tomorrow...
"Pretty much, Sam, you're getting' punked." - Mike
"Oh, that's an all-white store. White is in in Miami, isn't it? What if you get your period? It's ruined." - Snooki, master of the crass
"Guys are douche bags and I hate them all. They don't know how to deal with women and I feel that's why the lesbian rate is going up in this country." -- Snooki
"Eventually, Sam's going to find out that we know. We really don't know what to do. It's just a big ball of (expletive)ness. It's a new word. (Expletive)ness. - Snooki
"It's only a matter of time bro. She sees you hangin' out with me and him, it's only a matter of time before she starts putting two and two together." - Mike, to Ronnie. Maybe it was the way his tilted to the side, but I could have sworn in this moment Mike looked eerily like Cheech Marin. Which means it must be time to cast "Jersey Shore: The Movie." Coming soon to a blog post near you!
"Ronnie's changed since last summer. He was definitely like that kid that's not going to do anything wrong to Sam. He had just met Sam. Now ... he doesn't want to miss out, but at the same time he doesn't want to give up his cookie, and that's Sam. And you need to give up the cookie, son, so you can find another one. I'm eating chocolate chip cookies every night, dawg." - Mike
That's as good a place as any to wrap things up. Much more to discuss about this episode, I think, so come back later today for a ratings recap and additional thoughts. What did you think? Did this week live up to the hype? Did everyone other than Sam and Ron get shorted? And would you ever send an anonymous letter to a friend under any circumstances? Sound off in the comments, but first, here's the Magic 8 Ball question of the week:
Oh, Magic 8 Ball, can we do anything to move past all this Sam and Ron drama?
Answer: Outlook not so good.... Fabulous.