RATINGS UPDATE: The long, slow death march that is the Ronnie-Sammi coupling did little to impact "Jersey Shore" ratings last night. TVbythenumbers.com reports the MTV megahit held steady with another 5.5 million viewers tuning in to see SamRon come thisclose to ending things. Again.
At this rate, we better get ready for "Jersey Shore: Retirement Home." Because with numbers like that, MTV isn't going to kill this golden goose anytime soon. So we, too, can endure the will-they-won't-they drama of Sam and Ron well into their geriatric years. At least then they'll be able to turn their hearing aids off to tune each other out.
Now, on with the show. Which is, predictably, SamRon centric.
"I hate you."
"You disgust me."
"Are you as turned on as I am?"
These words of wisdom are brought to you by Sam (Ted Danson) and Diane (Shelly Long), a classic scene from sitcom Hall of Famer "Cheers." They also do well to describe the relationship between Sammi and Ronnie.
Or, if you'd prefer, Ronnie and himself.
Last night we saw the continued misadventures of Dysfunction Couple, mood killers of the universe. We also got another glimpse into the seriously screwed up mind of one Ronnie Magro.
"I hate you so much because I love you. You realize that," he says to her at the club. "I don't need you. I don't need you. I don't need you. Realize that." Uh-huh. Right.
"This kid, you can tell is so, like, off the wall. Like, doesn't know who he is right now," Sammi says as she takes pity on Ron and brings his drunk-as-a-skunk carcass home to bed. "I'm thinkin' ‘What did I get myself into?' To be honest with you, I have never seen somebody so wasted in my entire life."
Unfortunately for Ronnie, it doesn't seem to matter whether he's wasted or not. He doesn't know which way is up.
"I'm getting to a point now, you know, where enough is enough," he says earlier in the hour.
(Quick aside: You're just getting there NOW? Where have you been while the rest of us tap our toes by the side of the road, checking our watches and waiting desperately for you to catch up? ... OK, back to regularly scheduled programming.)
"I don't think I've started any arguments yet. ..."
(Sorry... but are you, in Angelina's words, "de-loosh-shun-al"? You pick fights as often as you mix up batches of Ron-Ron juice, which is to say: A lot.)
"... I'm just starting to believe you're just beating a dead horse at this point. And if the horse is dead, you have to leave it alone."
(Right-right-right. Only you leave it alone about as well as my 4-year-old does a fresh scab on his knee.)
Sammi, I get. She's blinded by love to the point of disgust. I may not agree with it. I may not enjoy watching this same scene unfold week after week after week, but I get it. But Ronnie, I don't understand one bit. A little alcohol and he's hitting on anything that moves, getting girls' digits before slinking back home to his woman. He hates Sammi, but says he loves her. Calls her a bitch too many times to count, then snuggles and calls her his girlfriend. Classic case of having your cake and eating it, too.
But he's got the power here. He doesn't want the drama? I think he does. I think he wants to be all things to all people. That he ends up looking bad in the process apparently isn't that big a deal. It's a good thing he doesn't like tests, cuz if this was one, he'd be destined to repeat the grade.
A few leftover quotes from last night:
"If I was in Sam's position, I would definitely expect my two girlfriends in the house to tell me. I know, I know. I feel like (expletive)." - Snooki, who shouldn't ever blink twice if the roles are someday reversed.
"There were so many opportunities for Angelina just to tell Sam the truth, and then when I saw Angelina like a scared puppy, like, I wasn't even mad. I was just like, oh my god this girl is so stupid." - Jenni. But the real question is: Was she talking about Angelina, or Sammi?
The family dinner exchange:
Mike: "Yo, last night Klutch was poppin' for real. There was a lot of people. ..."
Angelina: "The funniest part was when Ronnie was dancin' with that blonde girl and you looked at me like get me out of here. ..."
Rest of table: (crickets)
"Angelina's, you know, she's got diarrhea of the mouth. And I was like, mind your business, because you know I'm going to got to deal with Sam, you're going to have to deal with me." - Ronnie, who'se got much bigger issues than tangling with Angelina... unless she ends up being the only one who'll have him.
"I think Victoria should have kept this one a secret." - Vinny, about Angelina's question bowl outfit. I know, an easy one, but so true.
That does it for this week's episode. Come back tomorrow to vote in the weekly poll, then stay tuned throughout the week as we dissect "Jersey Shore" way more than anyone in their right mind should.