Episode 203: "Creepin'"

Should've been called: Don't Fear the Creeper

Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie... We'll get to you soon enough. But first, some quick hits from tonight's episode of "Jersey Shore":

The forced-march search for a decent subplot for Vinny continues. If it wasn't his quest for a haircut in Miami (solution: Go to the "hood" and visit Platinum Boyz Barber Shop... Best cuts in town! Stereotypes about the hood, by Italians who gained notoriety by proudly blasting stereotypes provided free of charge!), it was "sleeping" with Snooki after both of them got drunk. Have the producers learned nothing in one-plus seasons? Vinny is window dressing. Every show needs its Klinger. Vinny is "Jersey Shore's."

Blissfully, we get a largely Angelina-free episode. But not before we get a little coda on last week's dust up with Pauly. Apparently, five minutes after smacking Pauly in the face not once, not twice, but three times, she can't remember doing it. That, friends, is what it means to be sloppy drunk. (Later, we'll see Ronnie literally fall down when loaded; I used to think I had gotten blitzed back in the day, but I've always - ALWAYS - remembered what went on, even the not-so-pretty parts. If any of these guys have to fill out a medical form calling for blood type, they'd better list it as 160 proof and ask for a vodka IV, hold the tonic).

It was left to Mike to smooth over the bad feelings between, oh, EVERYBODY and Angelina the next day, urging the girls to make peace with her because, hey, they've all got to live together for the next couple of months. Catch Jenni's look at that Embrace Angelina Summit? I was wondering if we were going to get a visit from K-Poww, the disgust in her eye roll conveying one simple thought: Hulk smash. ...

I don't know how I feel about Mike the Peacemaker. Where's the arrogant SOB we all know and love? Oh, wait, here he comes, flashing his abs to lure customers to the gelato shop (didn't work), then bringing home anything that moves for a quick fling in the hot tub. That's our boy. But even that classic Situation situation fizzled as he realized he brought a handful of grenades back to the pad. (Oh, and playing long toss with a girl's bra padding after it falls out and starts floating in the hot tub? Not so classy. I don't know why people think this is vulgar...) ...

Tonight's very special guest stars: Jenni's breasts. Yes, you could argue they're ever-present. And you would be correct. But that's no reason to diminish their star moments this evening. OK, let me get this straight: Jenni complains about wearing a too-tight black T-shirt to work at the gelato shop (it "suffocates my girls," she says. "Let my girls breathe.") when she routinely goes clubbing wearing little more than a shrink-wrapped postage stamp? But not on this particular clubbing night, when her loose-fitting top requires one tape-down we see on camera and who knows how many off? (Bet the editing crew had a field day with that segment.) Leave it to Vinny to put her girls in perspective: "Jenni's (expletive) definitely defy gravity. I think Albert Einstein should come back and rewrite his laws of physics and work it around Jenni's (expletive)" ...

At least now we know: Einstein and "Jersey Shore" can coexist in the same universe. But it's not pretty. ...

Speaking of Jenni, are she and Snooki god awful friends, or what? Everyone knows the carousing Ronnie's doing behind Sammi's back. The boys will be boys, so you don't expect them to clue Sammi in to all the cheating Ronnie's been doing. But the girls know, and on this point they stay silent as crickets. This can't be their first impulse, can it? This from Jenni, who tried to preserve a relationship in season one and admitted to messing around with Pauly, and Snooki, in the midst of maintaining a relationship with Emilio. But it's OK, because next week they're going to write an anonymous letter to Sammi spelling out Ron-Ron's infidelities. Yeah... because that won't blow up in spectacular fashion. ...

Which brings us to Ronnie, aka The Creeper. Creeper is living the high life in Miami. Guy's got a relationship death wish, which has come perilously close to blowing up in his face. But like Charlie Brown chasing the football, Sammi comes running back for another shot, as if to say next time I'll kick that ball, never knowing all she'll get is a grass stain on her back.

Still, don't you get the feeling he knows the Armageddon that's comin' his way coming, and he doesn't care. "As long as you don't snitch, I'll be good," he says to Snooki when she calls him out on his womanizing ways. When, later, he says in quick succession, "I mean, sometimes, I just want to be single" followed by "I do still love Sam, and I have feelings for her, but, you know, sometimes I'm not really good at showing her I want to be with her," don't you just start to feel pity for Sammi? I mean, enough is enough, right?

The roommates certainly seem to think so. Mike thinks she has a feeling about it but doesn't want to accept it, like knowing the Tooth Fairy doesn't exist (again with the voice of reason. What is wrong with him?) Jenni and Snooki obviously know, and seem conflicted as to what to do. Uh... prioritize your relationships, maybe. Would YOU want to be in Sammi's shoes? Didn't think so.

What else we learned:

Pauly doesn't mean business going out until his red shoes are on. Pauly, no one can rock the red shoe look. No dude, anyway.

Want to find out if Angelina's thrown one too many back? Ask her to say delusional. "Are you dee-loo-shhh-un-al?" she said to Pauly. That sound you heard? Viewers at home being knocked back thanks to the stench of Ang getting her drunk on.

Chicks dig ice cream. So sayeth Vinny. Hey, if he can't get girls at the club, why not give it a try at work?

Prime example Ronnie's out of control? Shoving Snooki aside when she confronts him about cheating on Sammi. Poor Snooks, last season she gets knocked around twice, and now a roommate does it? That's just wrong. ...

Quote it:

"I've seen drunk people before, but that was like bipolar. I've never seen that before. That's a ... I think that's a problem." - Pauly, about Angelina after she forgot she hit him. Pauly, there's enough booze flowing on "Jersey Shore" Nucky Thompson wouldn't know what to do with it all.

"Snooki is rocking the old Snook look - leopard dress, pouf and she actually looks pretty good." - Vinny

Subtitle exchange of the night:

Snooki: You need to have a line

Ronnie: I never crossed any line. I never crossed it. Never. Ron-Ron, you protest just a tiny bit much for your own good.

"I would not rat out Ronnie, but when the girls have their little girl time and they're mad at the boys or whatever that is, Snooki - that'll come out. Like, the truth's gonna come out. It's only a matter of time. It's gonna, it's gonna blow up in his face. He's (expletive) He's like IFF." - Pauly. If you've forgotten, IFF stands for the I'm (expletive) Foundation. Just watch. Like "The Shirt Before The Shirt," they'll beat this catchphrase into the ground until it catches on. However, "It was like a chicken cutlet"? Can totally see that one taking off.

"It's my first day at work and I already hate it. I can't see ice cream. I can't see any customers. Because I'm a (expletive) Smurf." - Snooki, forced to stand on a step stool just to do her job.

"Snoooki, Snooooki, Snooooki, you are not scooping correctly, Snooooki." - Mike, imitating Enzo on Snooki's work issues.

Well, judging from the previews for next week's episode, I was seven days off on my prediction of the housemate most in need of stepping up. But we'll get to the gradual awakening of "Sammi the Strung Along ‘Girlfriend'" soon enough. Little did I know it was Snooki who would, quite literally, have to step up at the gelato shop. Maybe next time. ...

That's about it for this week's episode of "Jersey Shore." What did you think about tonight's episode? Sound off in the comments, then come back later today for the ratings report and a few other thoughts. But before you go, here's the Magic 8 Ball question ‘o' the night:

Tell us, Magic 8 Ball, can Mike recapture his boorish ways?

Answer: As I See It Yes. As we're seeing with the sad, slow disintegration of Sam and Ron, it's only a matter of time.