Episode 207: "Sleeping With the Enemy"

Should've been called: Upside Down, Inside Out and Turned Around

My God, it's a good thing the "Jersey Shore" Eight have hit it big on MTV. Now they can hire someone to balance their respective check books, because they sure as hell aren't good at math. Don't believe me? Let's take a look...

Sammi + Ronnie + Creepin' Around x The Letter/The Fallout = Breakup

Unless ... you're SamRon, in which it equals a renewed commitment to one another.

Here's another one:

Jenni + Snooki + The Letter - Copping to writing The Letter + Being found out by Sammi = A smidgen of guilt at having deceived your friend.

Unless... you're Jenni. "I don't even get why she was made," Jenni says. "It doesn't even make sense to me." (You can't be that dense, can you? Is there no tiny recess of your mind that figures, you know what? I screwed the pooch on that one and maybe shouldn't have, oh, I don't know, lied to my friend's face? Repeatedly.)

You can see where I'm going with this, right? No, OK, here's one more. Keep your notes. You'll be tested on it later...

Vinny + Angelina x Deep Seated Hatred for One Another - Common Sense + Alcohol = A wild drunken fight

Unless... you're Vinny and Angelina, who, after spending the hour screaming at one another, figure the best way to get over their hostility is by smushing it out. It's only a shame they couldn't use the minty fresh Smush room. No, that was all Snooki's, after she and Jenni dressed up like condoms to disinfect the house's conjugal visit center.

Who figured Snooks, the girl who doesn't cook and apparently doesn't make beds would take the initiative to clean the sex den? Anything for love, baby. Anything for love.

Or, at least, a good romp.

Well, they DO say making up is the best part of a fight. All that hookin' up - and then some - must have been just the release "Jersey Shore" was looking for after the melee that kicked off "Sleeping With the Enemy," a glorious free-for-all that saw fists of fury flying (Hey, Philly, need another linebacker for Sunday? Sign Sammi up. At the very least she's confident in her abilities after going toe-to-toe with Jenni and living to tell the tale). Sure, normal people would expect Vin and Ang to end the episode as they began it: At each other's throats. ... OK, maybe they were, but not in the way the phrase is usually intended.

And they didn't stop with throats.

The only real surprise is that of all the non-sleeping bed time going on this week, none of it involved Situation. You got your Snooki-Dennis (never let repulsion with a name keep you from hookin' up, so sayeth Snooki), Vinny-Ryan, Sammi-Ronnie (the less said about that dysfunction junction, the better; clock is tickin' on their next blow up. That's all I'm sayin') and, most surprisingly, Vinny-Angelina. (So if Ang is the Staten Island Dump, does that make Vinny the Staten Island Dump Truck? Just asking...)

Mike? Relegated to a background player this week, albeit with some choice commentary on Sammi. Now that I think about it... "Sleeping With the Enemy" might as well have been called "Freaky Friday," cuz Vinny and Situation seem to have switched bodies. ... In other news, Up is Down, Black is White, the sky has pink polka dots and Jack Sparrow is sober as a summer day is long.

Oh, and one other thing: Jose is a chump. You know Jose, the guy Angelina's been seeing. The guy who shows up at the gelato shop decked out in a snazzy looking suit - he better had been on his lunch break from a VERY fancy workplace - and giving Angelina a token of his affection. A watch. A silver Fossil watch.

What time is it? Time for Jose to get played. New theme song for Angelina: "Maneater."

Unless you're Jenni, of course, who would probably choose: "The Bitch is Back."

I'm not sure who J-Woww hates more right now, Sammi or Angelina. Sammi hauled off and whacked her something good. Bet she didn't see that coming, seeing how she's always talkin' tough (you know one of the "Jersey Shore" Eight mean business when they start repeating themselves; last week, when Jenni said "Are you big an' bad" three times in quick succession, you knew she was at DefCon 9), but she may have been a bit neutered by Sammi standing up to her. But Jenni's also on record as warning Angelina not to cross her, so you wonder if that's going to come back to haunt Ang later this season. ...

Not next season, of course, because Angelina'll be gone. But when Jenni sat looking at the camera and talked about having the last laugh at Sammi's expense when the whole truth comes out, who didn't think about a couple of weeks ago when Sam reportedly left the Seaside house after watching all the stuff that went down in the early Miami episodes? Bet Jenni was laughing her ass off that weekend.

We won't find out until MTV decides to unspool season three. For now, all we have to go on is Jenni and Snooki closing ranks and spending most of the ep estranged from the rest of their mates. The last time they did that, they wrote The Letter, and we see how well that worked out, huh? This time, all it got Jenni was a little face time with a male grenade, emphasis on little. Thank heavens for Snooks, who extricated the ... uh, what would we call him? A girl, we know, thanks to Mike, would be a hippopotamus. Does that mean the guy version is a rhinoceros? Discuss amongst yourselves.

(Quick aside: There's a sign in the house's hallway that says "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m." Since that's when the majority of the action on "Jersey Shore" seems to unfold, it stands to reason that no one that crosses the threshold could be that offensive, could they? Or is it like "Cinderella," where once the clock strikes 8 a.m. - and the alcohol wears off - everyone turns into a hippo, or rhino, or grenade or whatever we're gonna call them?)

Anyway, Snooks ditches the offending fella to retreat to the Smush room with her man. Vinny retreats to his room with Angelina, as dumbfounding a development as can be on "Jersey Shore." I mean, you say you hate someone, you're obviously going to jump in the sack with them at the very first opportunity. See what I mean? Totally bizarro world.

Then again, should anything surprise us in the "Jersey Shore" universe anymore? The place lives by its own convoluted, contradictory, ever-shifting code. At this rate, Jenni will be dating Sammi, with Mike and Snooki at each others throats - the regular way, not the Vinny-Angelina way - within three episodes.

Maybe Pauly said it best: "Angelina thinks like a guy, so she wants to get laid. Vinny is a guy, so he wants to get laid. That's Miami for you."

Not entirely sure Miami needs - or wants - that particular rep. Bet it's wishing "Burn Notice" would return with new episodes, like, yesterday.

What else we learned:

Snooki is Tan. Many times, it's her ethnicity. Says so on at least a few of her job applications.

Angelina will zig if you say zag. Don't tell her what to do. Apparently it will just make her jump into bed with her enemy.

Snooki's guide to getting down with a guy: Lotion, hairspray, makeup ... and more lotion. For the posterior. Don't over think it. Just go with it.

Quote it:

"It's like putting firecrackers in a dumpster. One match and ... whoosh" - Ronnie, about the tension behind the Sammi-Jenni fight

"Oh, yeah. It's always me. It's always (expletive) me." - Angelina, upon being blamed for the fight. Well... yeah. You haven't figured this out by now? You're the unpopular one. You will be blamed for EVERYTHING.

"Did I really pound her? Let's be honest... Did I look like a (expletive) or not?" - Sammi, clearly enjoying her role as Rocky to Jenni's Apollo Creed (first "Rocky," not the subsequent films)

"Vinny... now I know is the biggest (expletive) troublemaker I've ever met. Wait until he gets back on Staten Island, because he's (expletive) going down." - Angelina ... we all know how long that hatred lasted... Wonder what happens if she REALLY hates him?

"I'm missing a pinky, a middle and a thumb... Unlike Jenni, I'm not going to call out of work. You're a little bitch." - Sammi, after Jenni calls out from work - with Sammi and Ronnie, no less - because she needs to get her nails fixed.

"Nothing like a nice herpe to ruin the party. She would take two steps closer to me, I'd take to steps back." - Pauly, after he and Vinny meet two women at the beach. One has a cold sore. How dare she!

"I don't know how much it was. ... $39.99, $49.99... That man should be smashed." - Mike, about Jose's gift to Angelina.

"Ronnie made out scot-free. Sam knew while they were together he was still dogging her. Girl was pretty much peed on many different ways and she just took it and smiled. ... Just like when you're little and you want to believe Santa Claus is alive. (Expletive) Santa Claus is dead." - Mike, about Sam. All true, but you have to bring up the Jolly ol' Elf? There are some things that should not comingle with "Jersey Shore" at any time. Santa, like Mickey Mouse and the Wiggles, is one of them.

"He has to jump off the I'm good looking train." - Angelina, about Vinny... Unless...

"I'm in Miami. I'm a single girl. I can do whatever I want. Vinny's cute. I'm down for it, I don't care, like, you know..." - Angelina, about Vinny

See? Up is Down. In is Out. And "Jersey Shore" keeps goin' round and round.

That does it for this week's recap. Come back tomorrow for a few more thoughts and we'll see if "Sleeping With the Enemy" sets another ratings high. At this point, how can you bet against it? And lucky us, we get another new episode Sunday night before the VMAs (although it doesn't look like there'll be a new ep next Thursday), so we'll have more "Jersey Shore" goodness to sift through come Sunday night.

But before we get to that, it's time for the Magic 8 Ball question of the week: Oh Magic 8 Ball, is Vinny going to have Smusher's remorse after hooking up with Angelina?

Answer: Reply Hazy. Try Again.

So, either the 8 Ball is on the fritz, it's been dipping into the RonRon Juice... OR, we just saw the birth of another "Jersey Shore" power couple. Please let it be the second one. I don't think I can live in a "Jersey Shore" world where Vinny's the Situation. It just doesn't add up.