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When college starts, many couples find they're on their own
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Stephen and Karen Reses go through their son Jacob’s room as they decide what to do with the space. The boy, who is a student at Princeton University, is shown in the picture on the wall with John Kerry. For some parents who have just packed their youngest child off to college, now is the time of year when they first start encountering empty-nest syndrome.
Karen Reses left her 18-year-old son, Jacob, in a dorm room at Princeton University nearly one month ago.
But the fact that her only child had left home didn't hit really her until weeks later, when she was scanning the snack-food aisle at the grocery store.
"I saw a bag of pretzels and almost picked them up," Reses, 57, said. "But neither my husband nor I eat pretzels. Now, I don't have to get them anymore."
Back in the Reses' Linwood home, their son's chair at the kitchen table is conspicuously empty. Annabelle, one of the family's two large English sheepdogs, lies outside Jacob Reses' empty room, waiting for a walk.
"It seems really quiet," Steven Reses, 68, said. "His (Jacob's) bedroom is on the first floor and every now and then I look in there, but there's no sign of him."
The couple are now officially empty nesters. They join other parents across the region who have just sent their youngest, or only, children away to college and now have empty homes and lots of spare time on their hands.
Every couple handles the situation differently, from calling the dorm 20 times a day to immediately booking Caribbean vacations.
"It's a very natural feeling for parents to really miss their kids, especially if it's their last one," said Lane Neubauer, associate dean of students for counseling and health services at LaSalle University. "You miss the noise in the house, and you miss the activity."
Jacob Reses' bedroom is just as he left it, with stacks of books on the desk beneath his loft bed and trophies proudly displayed on shelves.
Steven Reses wanted to leave it as is, at least until his son comes home for the first time. His wife had other ideas.
"We're going to get the bed out of here," Karen Reses said, gesturing around the room. "We'll put a day bed in here and hook up the surround sound for the TV."
Steve Reses has been through this before with two children from his previous marriage who are now in their 30s and 40s. But somehow, his youngest son's trip to college has been different.
"It didn't seem as hard back then,," said Reses, who runs a pharmacy in Galloway Township. "I was a lot younger and doing a lot at the time with the business."
Last year Rose Buehler of Manahawkin spent her days was running her son, Brandon, 18, to sporting events, serving as secretary for Southern Regional High School's home and school association and working full time as a teacher's aid.
This year, things are different.
Her son is away at York College in Pennsylvania. Her 23-year-old daughter Lisa is back home from Monmouth University, but is splitting time between her teaching job and her boyfriend's new house.
"I haven't seen her (Lisa) too much so it's almost like they both left," Buehler, 50, said. "I think texting back and forth is what we do the most."
An empty house is the most jarring sign that the children have flown the coop. But it's often the little things that hit empty nesters the hardest.
Jacob Reses was a picky eater, so his absence is felt the most in the kitchen.
"There were certain things he didn't like, so I didn't make them because it was inconvenient to make two dishes," Karen Reses said. "Now I'm rediscovering all my old cookbooks."
At the Buehler house, there is less wash to do, fewer dishes in the sink and fewer groceries in the cart on weekly shopping trips.
There is also less worry. When her son was in high school, Buehler was often texting him to see where he was. Now she uses the "out of sight, out of mind" approach.
"I feel like, 'Ok, he's up at college,'" Buehler said. "Hopefully he's doing what he's supposed to be doing out there."
Some couples use their empty nest to enjoy some hard-earned alone time.
The Reses are planning trips to Chicago and Florida to see relatives, and maybe even to Europe.
"My husband and I were the original two in this family," Karen Reses said. "And we're kind of rediscovering each other now."
The problems arise when an empty nest becomes an unhealthy nest. Parents who have been using their children to avoid relationship issues are now forced to face them.
"They can put off having to confront any kind of dysfunctional patterns they have between them because they can be focused on their last kid," Neubauer said. "But as soon as that buffer is not there anymore, (parents) are forced to confront their own relationship."
Parents should also not let their loneliness affect their child's college experience.
"I interviewed an incoming student this summer who kept saying 'I'm really excited about coming to college, but I don't think my mom is going to be able to take me leaving,'" Neubauer said. "So that was a lot of extra stress on the student, on top of the stress of making the transition to college."
Those who have trouble handling the empty nest should seek counseling and work on finding ways to occupy their newfound free time, Neubauer said.
"This is really just a chance to reevaluate,'" Neubauer said. "Ask yourself 'How do I want the quality of my life to be right now?'"
With her youngest son safely off at school, Buehler decided to leave her job as a teacher's aid and go back to school full time for her elementary education degree.
"It's kind of a relief for me," Buehler said. "I can actually do what I really want to do now."
E-mail Courtney McCann:
Posted in Life on Sunday, October 4, 2009 3:10 am Updated: 10:01 pm.
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