Mary Oves Danny Drake

The People's Choice Awards were on last night, and I admit, I did not watch them. But I saw some highlights.

So why exactly does Taylor Swift keep getting dumped? Supposedly, she had a few barbs to sneak into her speech for ex-Jake Gyllenhaal. It would seem she has not been able to count on him. Nor could she count on Jake, aka Taylor Lautner. Or John. Or Joe Jonas. Perhaps, honey, you should get out of the J's.

So Jake squared, what have you done to America's princess? All you Hollywood men out there, listen up: someone needs to treat this gal right. I don't know how many more songs I can turn off the radio with lyrics like, "So you don't have to call, I won't pick up the phone, this is the last straw, there is nothing left to beg for."

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Bowl of syrup in a dark room, anyone?

And how about Kristen Stewart of the "Twilight" movies? I guess she won something, her smarmy, smug face is plastered all over the internet.

I don't know her. She may be a lovely, sweet person. But every picture I have ever seen of her looks the same. Like she can't be bothered. She can't be bothered to smile, she can't be bothered to be grateful, she can't be bothered to put on a dab of makeup. I guess she's above it all? I'm just glad I don't have daughters, if that morose young girl is some paragon of young womanhood. I see prettier, nicer, more talented young girls in my English classes all day long.

(I've seen one "Twilight" movie. The first one I think. It sucked. The acting was terrible. I wish I had those two hours back.)

I like to look up the results of this show to get my finger on the pulse of the kids I teach. What makes them tick, I always wonder? Besides the fact that Eminem's lyrics touches something so deep in them they sing his songs in the shower, what else?

So they love "Glee," but have no idea that Jane Lynch has been cracking us adults up for years.

Johnny Depp remains the god of all. Even with that hat and facial hair, his beauty is astounding enough to rate a standing ovation. His popularity transcends generations. I'm 44, and my students are 16, but we all agree on one thing: he is hot hot hot. But et tu, Johnny? Did you have to say Taylor's name on stage? Just because your daughter told you to? Your name starts with a J, it's a curse, stay away from her! She'll write a song about you!!!

And Neil Patrick Harris, Doogie Howser himself? He pulls off the unthinkable: he plays a womanizer on television, but lives his life authentically and honorably with his life partner. Neil Patrick Harris is so dreamy, I don't care who he lives with.

And no matter how closely I look, I can't find Bruce Jenner in any of those Kardashian girls. I stared at his face on the Wheaties box for years, but for the life of me, those girls had to have come from the mailman.

And please, before I die, someone explain Katy Perry to me. Her voice can't even reach the octaves she's constantly trying to hit. Her music is cotton candy: all fluff and no substance. But young people certainly do like cotton candy.

And finally, let's give due credit to the cast of "House." It won a few awards, but did not get the coveted "Favorite TV Obsession." "Dexter" got that.

That show is about a serial killer. I asked my students today if they watched it. Someone replied,

"What's so interesting about a guy who eats cereal?"

Oh. Dear.

And by the way, Eminem? I think you're awesome, too.


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