Mary Oves
Mary Oves Danny Drake

Thank you, Lisa Belkin. And Melissa Sher. And Pauline.

For giving me a blog idea for today. is a website created by Melissa Sher. Parents can send in homegrown parenting terms, like "camcorditis" to describe the insatiable need of parents to document every moment of their children's lives on video.

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My school librarian and friend Pauline handed me this article written by Lisa Belkin of the New York Times, touting it "right up your alley, Mary."

So I've decided to overlook the too-cutesy website name, and create some of my own terms.

· Homework Erectus- This is when you finally have your kids settled at the dining room table doing their homework, and their friends ring the doorbell to do something outside. They jump up and announce "Bye Mom!" whereupon you yell "Whoa partner, homework first!" This scenario elicited a raucous "Why are you ruining my life!" from my eldest a couple days ago. My response? "Because you ruined my body!"

· Dog Lapsia- This is a condition that prompts young boys to forget they have a dog, usually when he needs to be walked, fed, or watered. The promise they made to him when they brought him home as a black ball of fluff is quickly forgotten. "Not my turn!" is the oft heard mantra.

· Twinamania- Anyone with twins knows this one. They're never bad at the same time. They never behave at the same time. If one likes one sport and is better at it, the other one either drops that sport to play another, or gets better at it on purpose. They function as Yin Yang, on opposite sides of the spectral plain. One likes steak, the other pasta. I could go on and on.

· Videodor - They want to play video games. I say no. They beg. I say no. They plead. Homework is done, please, they say. I soften. Just for a half hour, they cajole. I relent. But if you guys fight over them, it's over, I state. Ten minutes later they fight, and are kicked off. It can only be brain damage, like Bill Cosby said. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? And that one had nothing to do with odor, I just liked the term.

· Sugarmetrics - The amount of sugar ingested by a young boy in direct proportion to his loss of appetite.

· Surfabee - This is a young boy who is a good surfer, but isn't quite as good as he thinks; therefore, he shouldn't be surfing in five foot hurricane inspired waves no matter what his age is.

· Surfmomabee - This is a mother who lets their child surf in dangerous water, therefore making our jobs tougher.

· Bullies - All the mean, nasty kids at school who make our nice kids feel bad about themselves. Oh wait, this is already a word. Still, I wanted to point them out.

· Moms who raise bullies - Shame on you. Are you spending time with them or what?

· Weekend Interruptus- I remember those lazy weekends when my kids were real little. Banana pancakes, leisurely bike rides, trips to the book store and candy store to buy treats. They are no more. We run around now from soccer to party to practice to friend's house to supermarket, finally to Dick's for still MORE sporting equipment. Sunday night we have motion sickness.

· Orderoutanoia- You want to cook a healthy meal, but the list of takeout numbers taunt you from the refrigerator door. "Dial me," they say. "You can use paper plates, and have no clean up. You can use that time to talk to your kids, and what's more important? Don't feel guilty - just order some steamed broccoli, too."

So that's my list. There are so many strains of maladies and noias and isms in our family, and not enough space. I will leave you with one more:

· Fratritrade. My eight year old has been imploring me for a week to trade his brother Dustin in for someone else, like a guinea pig.

And he's serious.

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